Amazing!!!!

Today something AMAZING happened. Pastor and I made extremely timid plans to go to the air show on Hill Air Force Base. I say timid, but I really, really wanted to go! I didn't even care which show. It turned out that we could only watch one, but it was the Breitling Jet Team. Let me tell you something, that was a jaw dropping show. Not only that, there were times when the announcer made it so Jacques Bothelin could talk to us (us meaning the watching crowd) over the giant speakers. Before their final maneuver, he said how glad he was to fly in the US. He mentioned how his country is a free country because of the aid of the United States. That made my heart pulse with pride and joy. I even cried. Again. And there were no danged tissues anywhere! haha I will now shamelessly insert a large quantity of photos...

Ok, so it was only five. I snapped so many that it really is shameful. ;)

Do you know what the most amazing thing was though? Can you guess? Can you guess? The most amazing thing to me was the fact that I was there. We waited in line at the gate about an hour. Probably more. Then we waited in line at the metal detector door things (what's their real name?) about an hour. Probably a little less. During this time, we walked, boarded a bus, walked, stood, walked, and I even carried Dex and Adi at different points. All of this is amazing because my pain has seriously subsided. There was a time in my life when going to the air show wouldn't have been possible. It wouldn't even have been an option. Today I did all those things. I think I pushed myself a little too much because my back was stiff by the end of it. Even so, I am so blessed and I am thankful to Heavenly Father for guiding me through so many years of pain. :)

Also, can I make a confession? I think I would like to ride in a jet plane one day. That used to be an idea I was glad to think would never become a reality. Now I really want to try! The kids all enjoyed the air show as well. They were a little confused about why we stood around waiting in line so long, but I think it all added up in the end. Adi said several times she wants to be fighter pilot when she grows up. That makes me feel proud and a tiny bit scared. Mostly proud though. I know she would be an awesome fighter pilot.

I have to mention how much the kids loved riding the buses to and from our parking area. We parked in the red zone and took the red shuttle to the show and back. I think that was almost as exciting as seeing the jets. haha Adi kept saying, "my very first time on a bus!" Which was true, actually. :)

After the show, Pastor picked up some pizza and we had a picnic at the park. That was pretty cool too because the sprinklers were going and the kids saw an impromptu splash pad.

All in all, today was wonderful, amazing and fun. I'm so glad our plans worked out!

Father's Day

The other day, Pastor called Avan to him. He gathered him in his arms and gave him a kiss. Avan got all bashful and looked away. Pastor said, "do you know I love you?" Avan, being Avan, said, "no!" Then he giggled and giggled like it was the funniest joke in the world. Pastor asked him again, "do you know I love you?" Avan got embarrassed and said, "Yes." This is a near daily occurrence at our house. Pastor makes it a point to hold the kids and give them kisses. I hope one day they know how lucky they are to have him.

The kids worked hard on making things for daddy for Father's day. We made a shirt with hand prints, which is tradition. They also painted some plastic stained glass window trinkets and drew him pictures. I think my favorite thing was the stress balls we made. We stuck playdough in balloons and tied a knot. They drew silly faces and other things on them. They really work well as stress balls, although they do explode if stretched too far.

Happy Father's day daddy! We love you!

Bubbles

Sometimes it's really difficult to do normal things. I have a list a mile long (in my head) of things I want to do with the kids. When I'm myself, it all works out fine. When depression and/or anxiety takes over, everything is hard. I've gotten to the point that I know I'm not myself. The way I feel is thanks to depression and/or anxiety and not who I want to be. So I end up biting my tongue a lot because I know I wouldn't say those things if I were myself. I stifle my emotions a lot because I know those feelings will go away. I go through the motions (not always successfully) of being the mom I know I would be if I weren't having an episode. So sometimes I pretend to be me, which sounds really weird, buy it's true. For instance, when we got out these bubbles and made these little bubble blowers (I saw them on pinterest), I wasn't feeling myself. The all too familiar raw feeling in my chest was there. The frustration was there. I took these photos while trying to focus on the love I feel for my sweet kids. They are awesome. They deal with me and my issues so well. Their prayers literally are what get me through some days.

With all that being said, I think the kids enjoyed these. I was focused on trying to be my real self and don't remember a lot. They always love bubbles, so of course these were a must try!

I'm so glad for my camera. These moments are beautiful. So much good was happening around me. I might have missed it all if not for a simple click of a button.

Also, this little guy was by the door when we went inside...

...it's a tiny mantis! I have never seen one so small.

First Badge

Duane got his first badge from scouts! He got his bobcat for reading the manual with me. Man, there are some heavy topics in there. I'm glad they're addressed, but man...

Anyway, we all went to the meeting where he did a cute little impromptu skit and got a belt loop thingy for that too.

Here are brother Hobson and Pastor flipping him upside down so I can pin his bobcat pin to his shirt. It's supposed to remind him to do a good turn. He said he didn't like being upside down. I told him to tuck his shirt in next time. haha ;)

So far he really loves scouts. I'm so proud of how willing he is to learn and participate. He's really growing!!

Paddling Pool

Oh what do you do in the summertime?? For our first day of official no school, we got out the paddling pool. The kids love it!

I'm already planning some activities we can do in there. We even pulled out the little baby one this week for Dex, although all the kids use it. The like jumping from one to the other saying, "I'm a penguin, now I'm an otter!" I was watching and giggling quite a lot of the time. They say the funniest things.

Tissues

There was a point in my life that I considered myself pretty tough. I never cried at movies. I mean, NEVER ever. I would feel moved, but never shed a tear. I used to work pretty darn hard. I lived on a small farm with my dad. I remember doing things like hauling bales of hay to our truck, cutting paths for our fence, pounding fence poles and other such labors. I used to be quite strong and capable. I had a high threshold for pain. I used to consume 3 atomic fireballs at once without taking them out. Back then, I never saw the need to carry around tissues. Have you seen people do this? They have these cute packets of tiny squares of tissues that fold out for emergency emotions? These are the kind of people that are prepared and I admire that. Especially now that I'm not nearly as tough as I used to be.

Pastor and I went to the Salt Lake Temple on Saturday. We went for a very special reason: my brother was getting sealed to his wife and son. I cannot tell you how excited I've been as I counted down the days. Every time I go to the temple, I have these dreaded nightmares that I can't find my recommend. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. The nightmares happened this time too. I was so worried that I would do something that would mess up my chance to go the sealing. When we were finally there in the beautiful sealing room that was identical to the one Pastor and I were sealed in, I sat there feeling very overwhelmed with emotions. I was silently thanking Heavenly Father for what was going on. I was also filled with such pride for my brother's little family. I leaned over and told Pastor, "I know when they walk in I'm gonna cry." I glanced around, hoping to catch sight of a tissue box. There wasn't one. Sure enough, when Paul walked in holding hands with his beaming wife, the tears started. My eyes got hot, but I was able to hold everything in. This was not the case when they knelt on the alter. This more especially was not so when Connor walked in decked completely in white. He looked like a mischievous little angel baby, which truly is the best kind. I felt a small tinge of jealously, even there in the temple, for the ladies who whipped out their little packets of blessed, makeup saving tissues.

I am so proud of Paul, Ashley and Connor. My brother has always been someone I look up to. His kindness and loving ways have often put me to shame.

Even as I type this I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion but there isn't a tissue in sight. Perhaps one day I will learn to be better prepared. ;)

Kitty Whisperer

I assure you this kitty isn't dead. It has been transported to a state of utter bliss. So much so that it resembles a dead cat a little. Duane has devoted a lot of time to his little kitty. He's been patient and waited for it to come to him. Now it curls up in his lap and he strokes it until it falls asleep. He's the kitty whisperer.

The two black kittens look so much alike that he gets confused sometimes and works his magic on the wrong kitty.

Graduation

These boys completed their year in school. I am so proud of both of them. They both worked so hard to reach this point and both are super excited to be 1st and 3rd graders next year. As usual, the Kindergarten grade had a mini graduation ceremony. Personally, I adore the ceremony. :D Duane even skipped class to attend.

Here are some photos of Avan singing his songs. I was so happy to see him up there all grown up. I was literally fighting back tears the entire time. It was a real struggle.

This is Mrs. Anderson. She is an amazing teacher! She was very patient and instructive. Most of all, she was loving as she did her job. I think that's important, especially with the younger kids. Another person we didn't catch a photo of that Avan adores is Mrs. Freeman. She is very positive and wonderful at encouraging the kids.

Way to go Avan!! Duane had to go to his class right after the presentation, otherwise you know he'd be in there smushing Avan just as much as the others. ;)

We did a little cloud watching after while laying on the front lawn of the school. Pastor had to make an emergency phone call, so we had time to kill.

I can't believe my oldest is a third grader. I am now in no man's land. This is beyond the point of time that I thought would take FOREVER to come. I can't see ahead anymore. He's becoming his own person and that is so difficult for me. He's worked and grown so much this year. I see a young man in him.

Good job boys. You are both wonderful and amazing. You and your siblings fill me with joy. :D

Videos of Avan's Special Day

Let Me Tell You A Story

There once was a 4 year old boy. He was three turning four when this story takes place. For his birthday, he wanted nothing more than a pet of his very own. His mommy said, "maybe when you're older." So, being the intelligent little boy he was, he asked his daddy instead. His daddy said no and this made the little boy upset. He was very sad and maybe even cried a little. Or a lot. This made the daddy feel very sad. To make things better, he took the boy in his arms and said, "When you turn 8, I will get you a pet. I promise."

Now, maybe this daddy meant the promise. MAYBE. However, I wonder if the daddy thought the little boy would forget about the pet in time. The boy's 5th birthday came. Around the time of his birthday he reminded his daddy about the promise. He was convinced he wanted a parrot. A big pretty parrot that he would teach to talk. The daddy expressed surprise to his wife later that a child could remember something like that after a year. The boy's 6th birthday came and again the boy reminded his parents about their promise. Somehow the daddy's promise had become the wife's as well. The boy still wanted a parrot and that made the mommy nervous. She knew parrots could get depressed and lonely in captivity, so she started planting ideas about possibly getting a rat or other rodent. The boy's 7th birthday came and he reminded his parents of their promise. Each year the daddy was increasingly surprised about the boy's impeccable memory. The boy now wanted a guinea pig, like his good friend Jessica had at her house. He pointed out pet stores wherever the family went and they visited some on occasion.

A little before the boy's 8th birthday, he reminded his parents yet again about their promise. He said he wanted a rat at first, but then his mind changed without any influence. He suddenly wanted a kitten. The daddy assured the boy he would have his kitten. His birthday came and arrangements were made to find a kitty after the boy was baptized, for the sake of funds if nothing else. The boy was patient and bided his time. His baptism came and his grandpa brought him a wild kitty from off his farm. The wild kitty ran away, but the boy wasn't terribly upset because his grandpa had said it might. He said there were new kittens on the farm that were too young to leave their mother. He promised he would bring one as soon as they were old enough.

The boy was patient, mostly. He waited. Then, one day, his grandpa showed up on a warm Saturday afternoon. He brought with him an old, broken up maroon pet carrier. The boy and his siblings were ecstatic beyond belief. They jumped up and down at the window and shouted, "the kitten is here! The kitten is here!" His grandpa brought the carrier inside and the wire door was opened. Lo and behold, there wasn't one kitten, but three! What a surprise, especially for the mommy who was stressing out enough at the thought of ONE cat in the house. The kittens were handed out and smothered...I mean hugged.

The boy was so happy that his daddy had kept his promise, even after all those years...

The kittens were given names like, Nature Cat, Stripey, and Mew. And they lived happily ever after. Hopefully.

For the sake of cuteness, here is a photo of a cheeser to end this post...

Memorial Day

We went far away today to visit the AF Cemetery. Both of my grandpas are buried there. I miss them a lot and wish the kids could have gotten to know them. Both my grandpas were born in July and I always thought that was cool, since my birthday is in July as well.

We found grandpa Duane's grave first. My Duane especially enjoys finding grandpa's name on the wall. Duane talked about how grandpas are our guardian angels now.

All of this is a little confusing to the kids. Adi wondered why they never held her or Dexter. I told her he's waiting in heaven to hold her. I think that scared her because she associates heaven with death. All I could think of to say was that everyone goes back to heaven and both grandpa's are there waiting to hug her and all of us. We found grandpa Nerdin's headstone after. The kids loved the photo of his red truck there and it gave me a chance to tell them about something grandpa Nerdin loved when he was alive.

After, we headed up to Ogden where the ashes of my sweet Adam where spread in the Washington Heights Memorial Cemetery. There is a place especially made for the ashes of babies like Adam. We thought about him and the twins while we were there. Someone had spread sea shells over the plaque there. There was also a conch shell nearby.

When we made it home, we were tired and some of us were a little cranky. We had hot dogs and chicken nuggets. (Some of us don't like hot dogs). Then we spent some time outside. Then we had s'mores. They weren't real s'mores. I made them in the oven. The kids didn't seem to mind. ;)

Anyway, there were a lot of serious conversations today, but there were fun and silly moments as well. Dexter liked going around to see the pinwheels and the balloons. Adi spotted an Olaf balloon. Duane and Avan took it upon themselves to upright and upturned flower pots they saw. My kids are growing and I love the way they think. :D

Doves

One of the many reasons I love our neighborhood is because of the doves. Doves can be seen almost anytime of day, whether they be hanging out in our blue spruce, or flying overhead, or sitting with their plump little bottoms on the telephone wire. Even when they aren't seen, they can still sometimes be heard cooing softly to one another. The kids are certain the sound is that of an owl, but I know it's the doves singing their nighttime lullaby.

I haven't always noticed the doves. Once I saw some nesting in a plane at the Hill Airforce Muesuem, but that was a few years ago. Other than that, I never took note of them. They were just another part of this great big world we live in. It wasn't until something life shattering and life changing happened that I began seeing them around our house and street.

Exactly one year ago today I came home from the hospital. I'd entered the hospital grounds in an ambulance the day before. I remember shaking because I was cold. Also, I was very sleepy. Pastor called 911 when I collapsed in the bathroom. What happened while I was lying unconscious on the bathroom floor is another story in itself. For now I will stick to this one.

About a week before all this drama unfolded, we went to the doctor's office. It was a routine visit. One to check on the baby growing in my belly. We were hoping to find out the gender of the baby that day. I was about 16 weeks along. I was excited, of course. Finding out the gender of the baby is always an exciting thing. The doctor used his ultrasound machine to look at the baby. He couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing soon after our last doctor's visit at about 12 weeks. My world shattered then. My heart broke there in waiting room as Pastor arranged an emergency ultrasound with the technician downstairs. The wait was excruciating. She didn't have anything better to tell us. We went back upstairs and were referred to a doctor across the waiting room. He specialized in miscarriages.

We were told we had two options. One was to let the miscarriage happen naturally. The other was to have a D&C. Meekly and emotionally, I asked what would happen to the baby. He said the body would be thrown away and burned. This horrified me beyond belief. I wanted to be able to see the baby, but the doctor said there wasn't much to see. That's why I decided to let the miscarriage happen naturally. That's why I ended up passing out on the bathroom floor from the loss of blood. That's why Pastor had to call an ambulance when I was so weak I couldn't lift myself off the ground.

It was worth it. I got to see him.

I say "him," but the gender of the baby was never really technically determined, not scientifically. I'd had the fact that he is a boy confirmed to me when I was pondering over what we might one day name the baby. This was before we knew his heart had stopped. The words came to me, "his name is Adam."

Adam. I'd never had a name given to me this way. It wasn't a name I'd ever considered for any of my children either, but it seemed fitting for reasons I didn't understand then.

Well, the ambulance came and I was rushed to the hospital. Pieces of the womb were stuck inside me, hence the heavy and persistent bleeding. We found that out from another emergency ultrasound. Somehow, I was left to sit and wait in the emergency room as I bled and bled. The emergency room doctor kept telling me how his sister had gone through the same thing. He seemed to know what he was talking about. I didn't think he might not until the OBGYN came. The moment she saw my face, she turned to a nurse and said, "get the operating room ready." That was frightening, but she was suddenly fighting to save my life and she was fighting the ignorance of some who shall remain nameless. Mainly because I can't remember his name. ;)

She went through the motions of prepping for a D&C, telling me things like, "transfusions will be used" and "there is always a chance when anesthetics are used that you might not wake up." I nodded and agreed as readily as I could. Her sense of urgency is what alarmed me the most. I was pulled out of the ER. White lights flashed by overhead. I was still cold. I was still shaking. Only now I was scared.

The anesthesiologist came. He was wearing a bandana with flames on it. He was more reassuring than the OBGYN. No doubt he saw how scared I was because he kept saying things like, "don't worry," and "we're going to take good care of you."

That sleep was the best sleep. It was a sleep I wasn't ready to wake up from, but blessedly I did. I found out later that I'd nearly lost half of my blood. I was very close to death, closer than the ER doctor ever hinted at, possibly because he didn't know. Thank heavens for that OBGYN who knew a real emergency when she saw one.

The weeks that followed were the hardest of my life. I wished I was dead. I thought of ways to make that happen. Thankfully it never did. God was watching over me. Adam was watching over me.

One of the comforts I received in those weeks was when we were driving to Wal-Mart to pick up our groceries. We were at a light when I looked up through a tall tree. It had nice, rich, dark green leaves. The sun filtered through some of them, making them a very bright green. "That's Adam's color," I thought. I don't know why I thought it, but ever since, whenever I notice the sun lighting a leaf to make it glow, I think of Adam. Later on, I noticed a dove and remembered how it was a symbol of God's love. As I pondered on God's love, I knew I would one day see Adam again. Both the doves and the glowing leaves would come to mean even more when I lost my twins a few months later.

Through all of my turmoil, God had found a way to give me peace. Sometimes I lose sight of it, but more often than not, I am so grateful for the doves as they nest in our pine trees and coo at us from above.

Keeping Busy

It's that time again! That time when Duane reminds me he's growing too fast by needing a ride somewhere. I am now a chauffeur. This week Duane played soccer with his fellow cub scouts and a couple of missionaries. He said that seeing missionaries play soccer was the funniest thing he'd seen all day. He also mentioned the consumption of two cookies. I never saw said cookies, which was a good thing because usually I can decipher what my kids eat by what's on their face. We need to get him a scout's book so we can read through the first part and he can get his first badge!

While he was partying, we went to this little nearby pond. I think it's actually just supposed to be a fishing pond, but there are ducks there as well. I wonder if the fishermen are annoyed when people come to feed the ducks? Do ducks disturb fish? The world may never know...

There were very few fowl there, actually. Much less than last time we went, but that was a long time ago. Probably more than a year.

There were 4 Canadian geese, 2 mean geese, and 4 ducks.

This is Dex trying to convince me that he needs those rocks. He's been trying to keep rocks a lot lately. They are in the house. There was quite a sizeable one on the kitchen floor less than 2 hours ago until I chucked it outside when Duane fed his cat. He puts them in his pocket and in the compartment of his little scooting car. He loves rocks. And pinecones.

Also, Adi found a mushroom. :D

Yard Work

I have a problem. It's kind of a small problem in the grand scheme of things, but to me it's a problem in my life. I really like to grow things. I like to garden and harvest and can the goods I grow. I actually haven't ever canned anything I harvested except once. This isn't my problem, however. My problem is my broken body. I can't work in the yard for more than a couple hours at a time. To plant a garden, it would take an entire day. After that the weeding and watering would only take an hour or two every day. Hopefully. So my real problem is that I have to rely on others to help me out. That's a problem in and of itself because I'm the only one who enjoys said gardening. And I don't like begging. So today we finally went out and worked in the garden as a family. Not only that, but Pastor clipped our massive shrubs that try to push our fence over.

The kids were banished to this little cement hill we have in the back yard. Don't ask me why there's a cement hill. Or a random rock wall...or ivy. Ivy is evil. And no, I don't mean the Poison Ivy chick from Batman. I spent all of my strength one day trying to clear a flowerbed of ivy. The roots were horrendous. I'd bitten off more than I could chew. I digress--the kids were told to stay put while we were managing the clippers. I was in charge of holding the ladder down as Pastor gave the bushes a buzz. They are now quite brown, but they are all in our yard and not the neighbors'. Yay!! Next week we get to tackle the thorny bushes in the front. They like reach over the fence and scratch the neighbor's car. >:[

While we were digging and weeding, we unearthed an ant nursery. We saw what looked like pupa. They were translucent egg shaped things with little tiny ridges on them. The ants were going ballistic trying to save the little things. The kids were very, very brave about it and they all touched one of the pupa things. Avan even squished one INTENTIONALLY. *blech* Duane held one his hand and carried it around for a bit. He asked me what it took to take care of it. I told him I wasn't sure. I felt terrible for the ants, but I guess those are the kinds of things that happen when you garden. The kids thought it was awesome and watched for a good while. Avan and Daune both got bit. I always understood that black ants don't bite, but I have been bitten by one before. I wonder if the guard ants bite. Anyway, it was a good day of work. Afterward, we went and got ice cream. :D

Sleepy Man

Dexter is the only one of our kids who can fall asleep wherever he wants. All of the other three would fight sleep tooth and nail until they were deposited into their cribs. I'm not saying he doesn't fight nap time. That's the reason this post came into existence, because he refused to go to sleep in his crib today. I guess he's a different kind of stubborn. ;) Still, I always thought it was kind of neat when kids fall asleep wherever and was a little surprised when mine didn't. Now Dex falls asleep on the carpet quite frequently. Mostly because I'm tired of fighting him to take his nap. Anyway, it gave me a chance to take a sweet photo. If I had taken this five minutes later, the pictures would have been the polar opposite of what you see here. :)